So...guess I just wanted to write this to air out some frustration...more like sadness that I have. I was frustrated today because a great deal of customers kept wishing me a Happy Mother's Day. Okay I'm not a mom, so I'd reply, "Uh, thanks, but I'm not a mom". And the conversation would usually go something like this: "Oh, well, I thought just in case you are" "Oh. Well, I'm not." "Well, you're married right?" "Uh, yeah" "So, when are you planning on being a mom? Any time soon?" There's no point in explaining it to people any more, because I've said all I can and for some reason they still believe despite what medicine and fact can prove that I will somehow be able to conceive my husband's child one day. It won't happen. I'm tired of telling people "can't have kids" because then they want to know why, so then I say sheepishly, "my husband is sterile". "Oh", they say, "well, you know there's other methods of getting pregnant, right?" And I feel like picking up a pitcher of freshly steamed milk and throwing it in their faces, but I'll respond, "I sure do, but I don't believe in carrying another man's baby no matter what process you can come up with of handing it over to me." Then the obvious last resort question that I dread the most. "Well, there's always adoption." I can't explain it to people. We actually had our first most serious discussion about two months ago. I really want to adopt a kid...not now. Not while I'm queen of coffee with an emotionally unstable management team and not while we're still spending money to fix ourselves and the house we're temporarily in. Not while we haven't saved enough up to live in our own house or adopt a kid and have money for his or her future. Not now, but someday. Hell, even if it never happened...I'd settle for a "sure, when we have the money" even if I can one day admit to myself that we'll never be rich enough to spoil a child. I would have settled for "maybe"...but I got a flat, "no" and when we didn't really say much for a day or two we finally talked. I better understood his reasoning and he understood mine. All we could really agree on is that if I can't eventually get it out of my head...that it will lead to another very long, drawn out and extremely serious conversation. I love my husband and I loved him going into this marriage knowing we couldn't have kids of our own. I didn't want kids. I thought I'd make a lousy mother. I'm afraid to hold my friends' kids because I'm afraid they'll catch my bad charm or juju or something. But...now....the last few months...more than anything I really want kids. I thought it'd be nice to bring a life into this world that represents the best part of our relationship and is a symbol of each of us...though we'd encourage him or her to be his or her own thinker and not be like either one of us fully. I feel like I have so much more love to give and it'd be nice to give it to someone from beginning to end (or as close to the end as one can get). I was crying hysterically on the way home. I'm hoping it's just too much St. John's Wort that I've been taking lately to help with the aggressive and depressive moods. I felt bad....I felt like I needed to be honest with Brian, so I asked him if he thought I seemed sad when I got home. He noticed but didn't want to ask me because he thought I didn't want to be asked and wouldn't give him an honest answer. So, he asked me why I was sad and I gave him an honest answer. I asked, "Did I just make you feel like shit by telling you?" And he replied, "Well, yeah, but I'm glad you told me. You should tell me these things. It's not a bad thing." I can't help but beat myself up over it. I don't know if I should have told him, but I feel like I need to be honest. I just don't want him to beat himself up for having a genetic fluke or something. It's not his fault...but I feel like I keep pointing blame on him...
anyway...just random thoughts...should go to sleep now...have to be at the dentist office in ten hours....wooo
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