update on the other stuff

so...here's why I'd been stressing the last few weeks:

Saturday; April 20th: While at work I had just gone on my lunch/brunch break when I received this text message from my husband at 10:13 am: "My love I just got fired" I thought it was a joke, but called right after reading it. Brian said he was called into the back while the owner Jackie sat there and had her husband (who doesn't really run the business or do anything except fork out cash for his wife to run it into the ground) tell Brian why it wouldn't work. He accused Brian of theft by giving away free drinks. When the shop first opened there was a policy that officers and firemen in uniform would get free drip coffee but pay for everything else. The shop has gone through three pairs of different owners since it first opened. These last owners have never had an in-store meeting with the staff to formally introduce themselves or explain how they would like things run if differently from how they had been run over the last few years. So--without warning they decided this was enough of a cause to terminate Brian. All of his friends and myself sort of pushed him to sue them since they are basically doing several unlawful things there. Anyway, Brian is not that guy and if he doesn't want to push it then I have to respect his wishes. He wished them luck and told them he wouldn't bother them, handed over his key, and only made one last request. He asked that they be honest with customers who ask why he is no longer working there. They didn't keep their word. Customers have texted and called him since with different excuses. Some said he was terminated for arguing with the owner, others said they were told he was on disability leave but would return soon, and others were told that he was just tired of doing the same job. That was stressful for us both...and it still is in a way, but we're surviving.

Monday; April 22nd: My manager and I worked a shift together...we were quickly going through the things that needed to get done for the week because there was a lot of promotions coming up at our store. She told me to call the new hire and schedule a time to have his first shift. Before I left I told her that I'd run out of time and hadn't called him yet--she told me not to worry and that she'd call him to schedule a time for Thursday. Later that night I contacted one of my coworkers via text to make sure they knew what to do for the cleaning tasks that night. I received the following response: "I'm not closing S**n is but M**** said she gave him the first page to complete and her phone is off so if u need her call my phone k"

I truly didn't understand that response until some time Thursday morning.

Tuesday; April 23rd: My manager and one of the shift supervisors, that she's been extra chummy with lately, drove her fiancé to Las Vegas because he still runs a business there. He hasn't quite moved everything around so that he can stay in one place. So, the two of them drove him down and then drove back the next day. I was upset the two of them went on this outing but tried to calm down because it wasn't like they always just skip town and go to Vegas when we're short staffed. I chalked it up to them both needing a break for a day to just get away from the stress at work. Believe me...I understand how stressful things have been at work, so I was sympathetic.

Wednesday; April 24th: I'm secretly freaking out because the store is falling apart. Work orders need to be done. It's been the busiest day of the week thus far and I have to somehow schedule time to call people for interviews while cramming information into my brain on short notice for training a new hire with one day to go. My boss's boss (our District Manager) came into the shop that day and I wasn't expecting him until Thursday. He wanted to chat with me when there was a moment and so when the moment arrived, we chatted. I juggled having a conversation and running up front to help the staff. I ended up having to take my lunch break an hour and a half after it was supposed to be taken. He asked me how our hiring process would be coming along. I explained that we already hired someone and he seemed surprised. I told him that I'd be training him on his first shift the next day. (The first shift is a really big priority and there is a lot of emphasis put on it at this company. They want us to discuss the company while presenting coffee in the form of a cupping. We do a tour of the store; we discuss principals and politics; we fill a book of paperwork out; we learn and get inspired for a total of four hours.) He asked me what I thought of the new training material. (Our company rolled out a new training guide and sort of gave the old one the boot.) I explained that I hadn't spent too much time on it but would review it that night. When I showed him the book I was given to study he asked about the other two crucial training resources to which I knew nothing about. Not only had I not known about the other pieces of material I was missing, but I didn't know where in this mess of a desk to find them. He helped me locate them and briefly went over everything with me. He suggested I call and postpone the training session for the next day and extend it to the following week, so I could buy time and review this information. He was upset that my manager hadn't reviewed any of this material with me. Now --he tells me that this has pretty much upset him. So I get scared. His voice was raised but he kept telling me that he was frustrated with the situation and not at me. He brought up more things that just seemed to be spilling out from the back of his mind. "Also...Christina, I don't want to see another email from your personal email address. Is that clear?"
"Yes."
"I appreciate that you care about getting things sent to me on time, but you really need to not spend every minute of your day on or off the clock worrying about it. It will exhaust you and it will slow you down and hold you back from becoming the great manager I know you're capable of becoming."
He went on to explain that when I first applied for assistant manager he wasn't sure that I'd survive because I was too shy and too far behind on what I needed to know. But, he said I really proved him wrong and completely turned myself around. He said that I've shown so much promise in such a little time and such improvement that he thinks I should focus on becoming manager.
I explained that up until he mentioned it I didn't want the position because I felt like people change when they become managers and I feel like I don't know enough. I don't have the confidence needed and I don't think I'm where I need to be. But he really told me that I don't give myself enough credit and the only reason that I fall when I do is because I take on too many tasks that usually don't even belong to me.
"As I recall, M**** was working that day you emailed me the checklist. So, why couldn't she have sent it?"
I realized that this is a problem I often fall into. Clearly he is having some sort of issue with the way the store is running...probably having to do with sales and such, but is looking for someone specifically to pin it on with good reason. So...it felt like he was going to blame all of this on my boss, which I felt was wrong. He doesn't know what she's going through. Her dad is going through hell with liver cancer which has now spread to his entire body. He has trouble using the bathroom just to add to the pain he's already in. Her son's girlfriend is ready to have a baby any moment now and she's trying to take care of her own kids while worrying about her kids having kids. Her brother keeps flaking out on her and not returning her calls. Her fiancé is to and fro with Las Vegas and I don't know if they know for sure where they want to live or when they want to get married. She's under lots of stress. I wanted him to know, but it's not my place to disclose that information to him so I didn't.

"She's just been under a lot of stress with work and outside of work. She is usually great about sending stuff in on time but lately she's under so much pressure and I want to help her out. Plus, I remember at our last meeting you said that both managers would be held accountable for submitting the checklist on time. You said if it wasn't in on time that you'd write up both managers. I just feel it'd be silly for us to both get written up for something I could just as easily submit myself."

"Yes, but my concern is that you're doing your job and hers. You're trying to watch your back and hers. You obviously show greater concern in meeting deadlines than she does."

I just remember feeling like the conversation went from "how's the hiring process going?" to "her lack of communication needs to be recognized an confronted"

I feel like I just existed myself into a trap without doing anything except that...existing. He would make this issue about her and it would eventually lead to him wanting to talk to her and scold her. Then she'd feel like I went behind her back and said a bunch of harsh things about her without first confronting her. She'd feel betrayed and would have trust issues...when I'm really one of the most trustworthy people that work there.

My district manager had asked if communication lacked anywhere else, but there was only one other area I could think of.
There was a position available for a shift supervisor and two people applied. I felt one was more prepared for the position than the other person, but the other person got it. The girl who I felt deserved it was hurt but she healed fast and just asked for an explanation as to what she could have done better. She didn't get a straight answer, so I asked my manager and I didn't get a straight answer. Not only was I not getting a straight answer, but I wasn't even involved in the decision process as an assistant manager which seemed odd to me.
During the first girl's (the one I rooted for) interview process, she was interrupted several times as the district manager interviewed her. And...he sort of just showed up unannounced.
The second girl's interview process was announced weeks in advance and she was given plenty of time to prepare and was coached for the interview.

I explained to my district manager that the one girl was upset with him for this.....Well---it turns out that he had discussed when he'd be interviewing girl one weeks in advance. So for whatever reason my manager didn't communicate either because she forgot or because she was hiding something--she dropped the ball on that one. The district manager did admit to being rude and taking calls during the interview and called the girl to apologize for his lack of consideration.

So...things seemed okay.
Before my District Manager left he told me that either he would intervene or I could talk to her on my own and we'd go from there.
"Let me talk to her on my own, please. It's just she has major trust issues with people. She's told me that she's been thrown under the bus before by previous assistants and I feel like if you talked to her it'd feel like she's getting attacked because I told you to do so, which isn't the case."
"Okay, but I'm giving you one week from today to talk to her and explain that the communication needs to improve or I'm stepping in."
"Okay. A week from today. So by next Wednesday."

Before I left work that day, I hunted down the new hire's paperwork so I could call him and reschedule his first shift. I left a message for him. He didn't call back. I got worried.

Thursday; April 25: During one of our busy hours in the morning, my manager came in to get coffee and leave for a district manager meeting she had. She asked me when the new hire would be there and I told her he wouldn't be coming because our District Manager told me to reschedule. She looked confused and irritated. I explained that I hadn't heard back from him but didn't know what time he was supposed to show up anyway. "What do you mean?" "Well, you called him on Monday to schedule his first session today but I don't know what time. I haven't been able to get hold of you all week." "First of all, I told you to call him and second of all my phone has been disconnected so I can't receive calls or make them." I was so stunned. So...wait, I thought to myself, I called the new hire apologizing for rescheduling and asking him to call back with a time that'd work for the following week instead, when he'd never been contacted in the first place. My manager looked upset at me like I was the one who dropped the ball and she was in a hurry so she said in a huff, "you know what, forget it. I'll talk to you later"

Great.

That's what the one employee meant by her text "her phone is off"! I thought she was telling me that if I needed to contact her that day that I couldn't because she forgot her charger and her phone died or something. Her phone was disconnected!

After that whole thing I realized that now more than ever we would need to seriously talk, because Monday she told me that she'd call when I explained that I didn't have the chance to. She forgot that whole bit and held me accountable.

Friday; April 26th: I didn't really get to talk with my manager that day because the she needed to work on creating the following week's schedule (which was supposed to be completed and posted already by Wednesday morning).

Saturday-Sunday; April 27th-28th: My manager had both of these days off too, which also bothered me a bit since she'd been off Friday, Saturday, and Sunday of the previous week (to host a baby shower for her grandchild to be along with the chummy shift supervisor) then took Tuesday and Wednesday off to go to Vegas with her chummy shift supervisor and needed this weekend too? I'd been working days cut short of 3-4 employees that we normally have staffed and she needed a break from all that stress?! I was pretty frustrated...plus the fact that she's paling around with one of the employees and other staff members are voicing their concern about that as well.

Monday; April 29th: This would be the first day I'd had off in a week. I worked Wed-Sun and was ready for a day off, but I checked the schedule and noticed that my manager would be gone again for Tuesday and Wednesday. My deadline to talk to her was Wednesday, so I drove down (with my husband) on my day off to talk to her and also take notes on the training material. When I got to the shop I was nervous and sick (literally sick...I stopped at the local Barnes & Noble to use the bathroom first and basically exploded out my backside). She was great...she was setting up all the promotional items and display stuff that I'd been stressing about having to do by myself for Wednesday. This would make it harder for me... because I felt like I was pulling too much weight and there she was helping lift it off my shoulders. I told her as timidly as possible that our District Manager pulled me aside and was upset that I didn't know about the training materials or about the decision process with the shift supervisor and that he'd want to talk to her. I gave her the head's up that he was not happy but that I thought the three of us could meet together to make things less awkward. I kept apologizing and she said things were fine, that "things will get better, because we just need to hire more people, and [I] need to learn to not take all the tasks on myself and to have other staff members help because they all really want to help"

I called the District Manager after I left the shop and ended up getting his voicemail. He called the store the next day and asked how our conversation went. He seemed disappointed. "So there was no real resolution to anything mentioned?"
"Well, she said things will get better"
"How? How did she say things will get better?"
"She said that we just need to hire more people."
"And?"
"And, what?"
"And... Did she give you a plan or outline or some sort of hiring strategy of what that will look like?"
"Um. No."
"What did she say when you told her that you didn't know about the training materials?"
"She said, 'Well you found them right? They were all on the desk.'"
"Okay, but did she seem concerned that you didn't know about them."
"Not really and I told her that you were upset by that and her lack of ability to communicate that to me, but I think she just felt like since we found them you could have gone over it with me."
"Yeah, but Christina, that's not the point. She gets paid to go to meetings where we discuss how to do these things and break it down to our assistants and the store and if she'd not bringing that information to you then the meetings are pointless."
"Well, she was really helpful when I got there."
"How was she helpful?"
"She was setting up the new promotion stuff."
He was sort of silent for a minute like that wasn't a real response. Then he continued.
"So what I'm getting is that she doesn't really care about deadlines or setting goals or sitting down to meet with you for things you should know about. Am I right?"
"I guess it can seem that way"
"Has she given you reason to believe it's any other way?"
"Umm, well..."
"No, right?"
"I guess not"
"The communication in the store hasn't been great probably for some time. Am I right?"
"Yeah"
"And it could be a contributing factor as to why sales are all over the place or orders are being done incorrectly or pars are too high or too low?"
"Yeah, but that's not her fault. I'm just as responsible for communicating those things as her so it's a lot of my fault too."
"Yes, true. But you're holding yourself accountable for way too much and I don't see her doing that with herself. Christina, I just don't want you to get pushed around. You can't keep pointing the finger at yourself all the time. And I find it admirable that you have such loyalty to her that you don't want to 'throw her under the bus' as you say but you need to realize when you're getting taken advantage of. If you want to be specific, she really 'threw you under the bus' by not coaching you on the training materials. I would have been really upset if you trained someone without knowing all the tools and resources to use. Things need to change. I'm going to step in with your permission, if that's okay?"
"Yeah, but can I be there. I feel like she's going to think that I'm making stuff up about her to you and that you'll just rip her apart."
"Okay, so would you prefer if the three of us met?"
"Yes. Is that okay?"
"Yes. I'll be in on Thursday and we can figure out a time to meet then."
"Okay"

Tuesday & Wednesday; April 30th + May 1st: I was upset to discover that my manager was back in Vegas to pick up her fiancé when things were getting crazy at the store. I was more upset that she needed to take one of the shift supervisors with her. When I saw pictures of them on Facebook and Instagram getting drunk or having company coffee in their hotel room...I was furious! So they just both decide to screw me over three weeks in a row to relax, unwind, and party. Meanwhile the next vacation hours I get to use will be toward babysitting my recovering husband after his surgery. Grrrr!

Thursday; May 2nd: This was just a really really bad day! The new hire arrived, because I finally got hold of him on Tuesday and scheduled for him to meet today. Well, during the first few minutes of our training I stepped up front to grab more training tools and noticed what a disaster the store looked like. The espresso machine was having problems and it had just received maintenance the day before. To add to the stress of mass chaos from not being able to provide espresso-based drinks to the coffee deprived zombies---all of the registers shorted. The power to the registers went out and people who rely on their debit or credit cards could not use them. I halted training from time to time to go up front and help everyone. The District Manager was really impressed with how well we worked during a crisis and he helped contact others to get the ball rolling on speedy maintenance (it only took two to three hours). Then he had to leave short notice and apologized. There had been a fire in the Oxnard/Camarillo area where his father lives and do to some person stopping abruptly to stare at the fire, his father hit the car and was then rear-ended. He was hurt enough to need to be rushed to the hospital. Despite all the interruptions I think I did fairly well for the first day of training.

Cut to--->Wednesday; May 8th: The District Manager came by but it was so busy that he just decided to meet with my manager alone. I could tell after whatever was said that she was upset. She didn't talk to me afterward. I called the DM after I clocked out that day to ask if I should walk on eggshells around my manager. "No, why? Did she say anything to you?" That concerned me right away. "No, but I thought we were going to sit down with the three of us together. I just want to make sure nothing was said that would indicate I was out to get her or manipulate her. I also don't want anything to be miscommunicated since that's the whole point of this meeting anyway." "Don't worry. The only time I addressed your name was when I mentioned the training material, which you already discussed with her and it wasn't a surprise. Anything else I had to say was from other staff sources and I didn't mention you at all."

Thursday; May 9th: I knew something went wrong during that meeting. My manager wouldn't talk to me except for short 'yes' and 'no' answers. I felt like something had to have gone wrong and she was thinking I stabbed her in the back, which wasn't the case.

Friday; May 10th: I actually clocked out fifteen minutes early, but when I was getting ready to leave my manager wanted to talk to me.
"Look I want to be honest with you. After I had the meeting with [the District Manager] I was really mad at you. He basically lashed me out for how bad my communication is and made me out to be a really horrible manager. I know sometimes we miss dialogue but it's not as bad as you both made me out to be. Then he started telling me that sales aren't good enough and we're not making budget and that's why we won't be bonus-ing. He was putting all that blame on me. He was telling me that the whole staff is out to get me and that they think I'm terrible. He asked me for feedback, but I was so furious that I could feel my cheeks shake and heat up. I told him that I'd think about it and let him know when or if I had feedback. But I haven't been that mad in a long time, Christina. I went home and told [my fiancé] about how I felt like you betrayed me and couldn't even talk to me first. I was made for a few days, but I just want to let you know that I'm over it now. I want it to be done with and behind us."
She actually said even more than this but it was basically the same thing on a loop for an hour.
Finally, I got to talk. I'd been waiting to interject with accusation after accusation that she made at me.
"Okay, can I say something now? Can I say something without interruption? I'll be fast and to the point. (she was nodding 'yes' at this time) This is exactly what happened. When you were gone at Vegas, [the District Manager] came by and asked me how the hiring situation was. I told him that we hired somebody and I'd be training him the next day. He asked me what I thought of the coffee and tea map as well as the guidebook to which I didn't know what he was talking about. So we shuffled around the desk and found the stuff, but he was upset that you didn't tell me anything about it much less where it was located. He had me postpone the thing. Then he asked me about communication. It felt like he was really upset at you and just needed time to cool off, but I told him that things have been up and down. I explained that it's all of our responsibility to communicate well and we all have been sort of failing at it. He felt like I was taking too much responsibility that you weren't. He told me not to email him from my personal email address about work related tasks. He was upset that I am the only one concerned with meeting deadlines and making sure things get submitted on time. But, I told him that wasn't true and that you care but you're stressed. I didn't tell him why you're stressed because that's not my place to say, but I told him that you're under a significant amount of pressure and it wouldn't be fair to hold you accountable for something that I share responsibility for too. And this is ridiculous. I don't understand why you'd be upset with me. I don't feel like I did anything wrong. I didn't betray you or throw you under the bus. I came to you and discussed these things with you that Monday I was supposed to be off, remember? I came in and you were helping with the display and promotional stuff and I talked to you. We were cool, but I told you that [the District Manager] still wanted to talk to you and was pretty upset. All week long I explained that he'd meet with us and he was upset. I was preparing you for this because I didn't want there to be any surprises. I told you that [the first girl] was upset about how her interview went for the shift supervisor position and that you wouldn't give a straight answer. She was upset that she didn't have time to prepare either because no one told her when the interview would be. So I've been honest and open with you. Everything I said to you is what I said to [the District Manager]. I don't feel like it's fair that you should have been angry with me at all in the first place. Can you just tell me what I did wrong or what I did to upset you, because I'm not seeing it?"
"Well, I guess I wasn't so much mad at you as I was mad because of you. He's just not very nurturing. He doesn't have a calm sense of talking to people. He lashes out. [Our former District Manager] was very motherly and she knew how to be upfront and word things that weren't so harsh. She'd tell you if you made her angry and why and what you needed to do to fix it. [Our current District Manager] doesn't really take the time to think about how he phrases things."

She just went on.

What I gathered from our conversation was that no matter what I said and no matter how many times I told her that I didn't do anything dishonest or betraying she had it in her mind that I was a backstabber.

I hate that.

I asked her to be honest, "Can you be honest with me? I need to know that you trust me fully. Do you trust me?"

"And I need you to promise me something? I'll promise to trust you if you promise me something."
[I sighed internally]
"Okay. What?"
"Promise me that you won't doubt yourself so much. You're a better manager than you give yourself credit for."
"Okay. Thanks."

But I still feel like she's got it in her head that I went to our DM and told him I had a problem with her. I feel like she thinks I mentioned that she was responsible for our poor sales and ordering. I didn't do any of those things.

She had even mentioned that if this were to ever happen again to call her and just let her know what is going on. And I explained that I did...I told her all week. All she said was, "I know. Just for next time."

It's like she tuned out everything I said.

I was so enraged and sad.

I really like her. I think she's a great person with a good heart. She cares so much for people and I've seen them walk on her. She has such a strong spirit too. She holds back so much pain and it takes a lot for her to trust someone enough to share that pain with them.

I just feel like she's kinda sucking at being a good manager. I didn't think that way when I first started...but when you just regard everyone as a dishonest, backstabbing, lying, piece of shit then you're not open minded. And you're not fair. I'm none of those things. I did everything I could to make sure everyone involved was in the loop and for some reason she labels me as just another assistant manager to 'throw her under the bus'.

I feel like if it were me and roles were reversed...if I learned that my assistant was approached by my boss to explain what things she didn't know and my boss was left with the conclusion that I suck at communicating---that I'd accept this. If my boss talks to me about his discussion with my assistant saying that she didn't know where training materials were or what to say to someone confused about why they didn't get promoted---it'd strike a chord with me. I'd realize that I really have to work on my communication because it's affecting a chain in the staff. It's affecting my assistant who can't affectively communicate to the remaining staff, so it ends up affecting everyone. I would have pulled  my assistant aside and apologized for not communicating better. I would have offered suggestions we could do to prevent miscommunication from happening. I'd devise a plan that after every district meeting that we would meet one-on-one to discuss my notes and what the meeting was about. Basically, I don't think I would tell anyone I was furious. I'd feel more ashamed and alarmed that I need to take action to fix things...instead of pulling people aside and yelling/scolding/pointing fingers at them for getting a 'lashing' from my boss.

That's just me.

So...where am I now...

I'm back to working for another boss I can't trust apparently. And it really depresses the shit out of me. :'(